That depends on your partner, and especially on what you want from both of us. A good doula has the versatility to fill many roles, and part of her job is to try to feel out what those roles might be. Here are some situations that we may find ourselves in during an average labor:
Lovely Laboring Lady: "Thanks so much for coming, but we're actually doing just fine right now...oof- HERE COMES ANOTHER ONE...!!!"
Partner in Shining Armor: *feeling like he is obligated to say something friendly because I just walked in and he's a polite guy, but also wanting to pay attention to her* "Uh, um, hi?"
Your Darling Doula: *quietly* "lol, that's okay, get her through this one! ...I'll be in the corner watching to see if there is anything I can do. Actually, I think I'll go refresh those ice chips so you don't have to when she wants them-which looks like that'll be in about 40 seconds or so!"
------------------------------
LLL: "I just want my labor girl with me!"
PinSA: "Hey, no prob! I'll be over here Googling that thing the doctor said that none of us understands."
ALTERNATE RESPONSE: "....so....does that mean I get to kick back a bit?"
YDD: "Happy researching! (And actually, I do know a little bit about that thing, but find out what you can, too, so we can help her make her best decision on it.)"
IN CASE OF ALTERNATE RESPONSE AS ABOVE: "Please do rest! That means you'll be fresher for her later. See you in a bit!"
------------------------------
*and speaking of which...*
LLL: "Doc said what???"
PinSA: "Whazzat???"
YDD: "Here's the deal with what the doc said. I can help you understand it; and totally look it up for yourself, too, if you wish. I can also tell you about an alternative that you can ask about, if you choose to. Good to get all the info. Let's talk through this!"
------------------------------
LLL: "I am SO tired."
PinSA: "I feel bad admitting it, but...I'm really tired, too!"
YDD: "Don't feel bad. You've been up all night! And I'm fresh, since you have been such a successful labor team so far that you haven't even needed me. You're only human. If you want to shut your eyes for a bit, know that I'll be here when you come back around, and she will never be alone."
------------------------------
LLL: "Awww, dang, I really wanted to avoid that intervention, but now I think I want it after all! I must just be weak...."
PinSA: "No, you're not, don't feel that way!"
YDD: "Totally don't feel bad! You can't judge yourself by others' experiences or by any other arbitrary standard. Nobody else is in your body, having your baby, and nobody can tell what you are going through. It's okay if you find yourself grieving your dream plan that changed course; that disappointment is real and understandable. Just take heart in knowing you still won't be walking alone on this journey, and we still have our ultimate goal waiting for us at the finish line! Now let's look at where we go on this new path."
------------------------------
LLLL: "THISISREALLYINTENSESTOPDOINGTHATIT'SIRRITATINGRIGHTNOW!!!"
PinSA: "I'm trying to be there for her, but I'm out of ideas!"
YDD: *pulling out Ye Good Olde Doula Bag Of Tricks* "Let's see if we can find something good in here! Or, maybe she needs a change of position? ...or a massage; or, maybe she just needs some time to work on her own. Stay near, though. You are still her rock. You are still there for here, even if she doesn't need anything from you. Just being here is The Something. In any case, we will figure it out together, and do our best to get her what she needs."
------------------------------
And the list goes on. The needs are as unique as you are, and nobody knows what it is you will need when the time comes. I will be there for you as you need, and for your partner, too. So, how about we get to work sorting it all out, then!
Lovely Laboring Lady: "Thanks so much for coming, but we're actually doing just fine right now...oof- HERE COMES ANOTHER ONE...!!!"
Partner in Shining Armor: *feeling like he is obligated to say something friendly because I just walked in and he's a polite guy, but also wanting to pay attention to her* "Uh, um, hi?"
Your Darling Doula: *quietly* "lol, that's okay, get her through this one! ...I'll be in the corner watching to see if there is anything I can do. Actually, I think I'll go refresh those ice chips so you don't have to when she wants them-which looks like that'll be in about 40 seconds or so!"
------------------------------
LLL: "I just want my labor girl with me!"
PinSA: "Hey, no prob! I'll be over here Googling that thing the doctor said that none of us understands."
ALTERNATE RESPONSE: "....so....does that mean I get to kick back a bit?"
YDD: "Happy researching! (And actually, I do know a little bit about that thing, but find out what you can, too, so we can help her make her best decision on it.)"
IN CASE OF ALTERNATE RESPONSE AS ABOVE: "Please do rest! That means you'll be fresher for her later. See you in a bit!"
------------------------------
*and speaking of which...*
LLL: "Doc said what???"
PinSA: "Whazzat???"
YDD: "Here's the deal with what the doc said. I can help you understand it; and totally look it up for yourself, too, if you wish. I can also tell you about an alternative that you can ask about, if you choose to. Good to get all the info. Let's talk through this!"
------------------------------
LLL: "I am SO tired."
PinSA: "I feel bad admitting it, but...I'm really tired, too!"
YDD: "Don't feel bad. You've been up all night! And I'm fresh, since you have been such a successful labor team so far that you haven't even needed me. You're only human. If you want to shut your eyes for a bit, know that I'll be here when you come back around, and she will never be alone."
------------------------------
LLL: "Awww, dang, I really wanted to avoid that intervention, but now I think I want it after all! I must just be weak...."
PinSA: "No, you're not, don't feel that way!"
YDD: "Totally don't feel bad! You can't judge yourself by others' experiences or by any other arbitrary standard. Nobody else is in your body, having your baby, and nobody can tell what you are going through. It's okay if you find yourself grieving your dream plan that changed course; that disappointment is real and understandable. Just take heart in knowing you still won't be walking alone on this journey, and we still have our ultimate goal waiting for us at the finish line! Now let's look at where we go on this new path."
------------------------------
LLLL: "THISISREALLYINTENSESTOPDOINGTHATIT'SIRRITATINGRIGHTNOW!!!"
PinSA: "I'm trying to be there for her, but I'm out of ideas!"
YDD: *pulling out Ye Good Olde Doula Bag Of Tricks* "Let's see if we can find something good in here! Or, maybe she needs a change of position? ...or a massage; or, maybe she just needs some time to work on her own. Stay near, though. You are still her rock. You are still there for here, even if she doesn't need anything from you. Just being here is The Something. In any case, we will figure it out together, and do our best to get her what she needs."
------------------------------
And the list goes on. The needs are as unique as you are, and nobody knows what it is you will need when the time comes. I will be there for you as you need, and for your partner, too. So, how about we get to work sorting it all out, then!
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